Extremely Short Update!

Hello~

It's been a while since my last post. Again, I'm so busy with my daily routine; classes, reports, assignments and so on. I didn't find any suitable time to blog about anything. In fact, I don't really spend much time in Facebook nowadays..ermm..

Yeah, there were so many things happened lately. I don't think I will fit everything here..haha.. I've been busy lately with tests especially. Thank God, I have already finished all the tests. It's just the matter of time to see my carry marks..hehe.. I have done my part and my best and I just need to pray to God. Anyway, all glory to Him.

Tomorrow, I'll be going to Nilai to meet with Pr.Dave. Truthfully, I really miss him and I don't know how to react at the moment I meet him. Too many things in my mind and heart and I don't think I will channel it properly. Really thank KuanCheen for that short text..:)

Next week will be my study week. Time flies so fast. I don't even realize that I almost finish my first part of diploma. After all the tragedies before I taking diploma and all the tears, this is really fast. But what I can assure you that, I really love my new course. Even though I'm studying Microbiology generally, I put everything unto Him; my career and future. He knows the best.

So next week will be my hardest and fruitful week! Because I'm gonna study all day and digest all the lecture notes!..bwahaha...and of course I will spend a little time to chill..:)

On top of that, I really need my mentor.

You don't tell me

Whenever my friend told me to not be emo, I tried my best to follow and submit to what he said. I don't usually get emo very easily. Something have to trigger my emotion so that the mode is 'emo-ness' in on. But he told me, emo is not my true-self. Whatever he told me, I have to put it into consideration because sometimes I couldn't see my true reflection. My friends are the main mirror.

I admit that for the past few weeks or months, I couldn't control my emotions. Perhaps because of my responsibilities. Nevertheless, I think the main reason for this is my inner insecurities. I'm still struggle to overcome those. I don't know where and how to start. Usually my friends are around and can detect what exactly happen to me but right now everyone is separated all around the world, country, continent and city. I have to be flexible.

#

The feeling is just so undeniably awesome when someone who can brighten your day are standing rightly in front of you!

Dream Vs Reality

If you are given a choice between a dream and a reality, what would you choose?  Of course a dream would be amazingly interesting as we could be anything we want, we could do any impossible action and the list  goes on.  See, a reality restricts us but a dream makes us happy.  However, we should understand that, when you keep dreaming, it affects your reality.  We used to live in our dream until we forgot some aspects in reality that we should have taken it seriously.

So, what's the point of dreaming?

There is no right and wrong answer.  I believe that our dream has no boundary and we are permitted to keep dreaming as long as it makes us happy.  

Sometimes, my own dream hurts me......a lot.  Should I stop dreaming and be focus on my own reality?

I wish I have a marking scheme for this.

My World Has Turned Upside Down

When I was deciding to take this course, I aware that I would face a lot of struggles.  I purposely choose this course as I know there's only one campus in the entire Malaysia that offer this course, which is in my  current campus.  I was driven to choose this path as I know this is one of the ways for me to grow and be matured, separated away from my family.  I think 1 year must be enough for them, for that 1 year, I was portraying a bad son, maybe in some ways, I did disappoint them.  I thought I wanted to be away for about 1 year but I just couldn't.  I mustn't be so selfish in this situation.  I know they love me, sometimes I just feel so embarrass to be called as their son after everything I did.  However, I'm trying to always be a good child that they deserved.  It is just the matter of time that I'll be completely healed and have a confidence to carry the responsibility.

As I expected, these days would come.  I'm really afraid.  But I cannot form any word to describe the feelings or define any thought in my mind.  I'm just afraid.  I don't have anyone here.  Everyone seems so busy with their own life and I sometimes, understand that, but sometimes, I don't.  Whenever I think that I am completely healed from the past, there will be a second thought saying that I am pretending to be healed.  This fact circulates in my mind almost every single second.  It drives me crazy.  This is the only and main reason why I am so afraid to start a serious relationship or to fall in love....perhaps.  I wish I don't have to bear the feelings as it is extremely torturing.  People say, it's not wrong to love someone.  But for me, I think I've committed a serious sin in loving someone.  I don't know what happened to me, some kind of love phobias I think, if this ever existed.

Besides, living here without any inspiration from someone that I love once upon a time is like living in a desert with zero oasis.  For this I mean my bestfriends.  Last time, to keep me in fire and spirit, I always have my special friends next to me who would always correct me when I was wrong, paint my days with all beautiful colors, pour all the thoughts despite all the awkwardness and fill me when I was dry.  Ironically, these will always be a memory, cannot be bought or discounted, only can be played by my own single brain.  Do you guys still remember last time when I was super depressed, I would remain silent, isolate myself and update my blog every single day?..  I wish you guys still remember that.  Right now, I don't do these all, I don't know whether it's a good thing or what.  It can be both.

My studies... so far I don't find any problem, except for Computer System (I don't like it).  I can catch up the syllabus and thanks to 1.5 years of A-Level.  And I have been so busy lately with my course association.  I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not.  This is the cost for being one of the highest post, well I'm not the one who elected myself..screw you democracy!  I have to sacrifice a lot of times, A LOT OF TIMES.  Until to the extend that I wanted to burst.  I didn't have my quality own time.  I didn't have time to read my favorite novel.  I didn't have time to watch my favorite variety show.  I didn't have time to teach one of my friends here in which I've made promises to lighten his burden even before we started our life here.  Thank God, I'll be quite free after this and I have no idea on how to redeem all my precious times.  I wish I could and I would try my best.

Anyway, I should stop whining.  Whining won't fix anything.  I guess I should change my attitude.  I found myself so messed up lately and my world turned upside down as if a giant hurricane had invaded my territory.  I'll pray for the best, nothing more nothing less.

Specially For You...

My sister and I used to love this song very much.  Both of us would always play this song whenever we were sweeping the floor. haha.. We took turn to sweep the floor but most of the times, I would do the most job..=.=' 

Anyway, we really love this song.  We would sing this song together sometimes and she would play the guitar.  I'm the worst brother ever, I was defeated by my younger sister in playing any music instrument.  She can play the guitar very well, not just the guitar, the drum also! I would make noises whenever I played the drum. Pathetic brother...

The truth is, I would rather choose to be in that moment, the moment when we sang and spent time together, compare to my current situation.  I realized that, I found peace and calmness whenever we spent time together. I feel guilty for not being the true biological brother that she deserved.  She hurts a lot.  She hurts a lot when she was a little kid.  She doesn't deserved to be treated like that.  Although all the family labelled her as the most stubborn child, I don't always put the blame on her.  Everyone sees what is in front of them, not behind them.  

The moment we spent together is the moment I saw an innocent cute pretty and lovely girl.  She is not bad at all.  She wants to be listened not to be condemned.  Although in many cases people would point her, but I chose to not be their clan.  I became her defender, although I didn't know who was the true culprit.  I just want to show her that even 1000 people try to bring her down, I can be that 1 person that hold her and cling to her.  She doesn't need to find someone else outside there.

Once again, I feel that I've failed to become the best brother.  I failed to say that I love her, in fact I never try , not even once. Because I prefer to use actions to manifest my love.  Hopefully she will realize, someday.

I guess this song will always be our favorite song. Lead Me To The Cross...(lead us to the cross Lord)

p/s: I think this is the most emotional post I ever wrote.

-Blessings-

How to spell H-E-C-T-I-C

This week has been a tough week so far, an extremely hectic week since I came here.  Not to mention all the assignments and lab reports, I just talked about Microbe association in this case.  The truth is, I don't really like to have a post in any association, I've been there and done that since a primary school.  Being just a normal exco to a president, from a librarian to a prefect, I have felt every inch of the experiences.  I don't intend to say that I have been perfected throughout this journey.  It's just that, sometimes I just want to be a normal person without any post in front of my name.  Besides, I love to give a chance to a new person to lead.

This week was really tough, so far... I couldn't imagine what would happen next week when the actual grand event will be held.  This is just a preparation but I already felt the tension.  Getting a command in last minute was a habit for this week.  Not to mention that I have to type and prepare all the formal letters until late at night so that for the next morning, everything would be cleared up.  Did I tell you that I'm so terrible in writing a formal letter? in Malay some more!..okok, I'm learning this!  The funny thing happened this week: I took a short course of writing a formal letter with a Setiausaha Agung MPP UiTM.  We didn't plan any class, it happened spontaneously while he was joining the meeting. Actually I'm really glad that he taught me the format and how to write the best formal letter, indicates that I still have a lot to learn..haha..I realized that he is approachable, no wonder why he has been elected as such a busy post.

Thank you abang!!!..eh wait, I think you're younger than me..lol

I should stop whining.  They put their trust on me so I have to grab the responsibility without any burden! Well, I hope for the best, the success of this event.  I have channeled a lot of energy and sacrificed my bed time just to make sure my work done.  So guys, I don't want any drama anymore.  Do pity me a bit or at least, pity our President! ..:)

Alright, well throughout this hectic week, I received a call all the way from India. Guess who?.... It was Ling CJ! haha...really glad to hear her voice again. Thanks for listening and don't skip your classes CJ..:p

-Blessings-

I should quit...perhaps

Have you ever wonder, let say one day you would disappear from this world as if God erased you from everyone's memory?  And you started to realize, is there any people in the world, at least one person would ever think about you or remember about you just in all of a sudden? Am I still exist in this mortal world? or am I being not visible enough?  It's weird right for being not visible enough.  There's no such thing of invisible people unless you're a Marvel hero, a mutant or something like that, but it's totally not real.

I do care about the people around me, around my life.  Sometimes, I'm being 'too' care as someone in their life and I do feel people take me for granted.  This realization hurts me a lot and how I wish this is completely wrong.  I don't know, it's just my personality or my desire to see people around me smile and happy.  Is it wrong to be that kind of person, a person who wish to see his friends feel happy 24/7?

Or, is it my fault for not contacting you guys for the past few weeks although I've been active enough to update my life previously (before I was MIA) with the hope you could detect my feelings and circumstances?  Or am I being hypocrite here?

I just........fed up.  You do not know a thing about me. This is what I feel although we have been knowing each for other quite a long time but yeah, no offense.  I guess our best moments together would be insignificant perhaps.  I can take it... but please, stop doing this, I believe there would be another me in your life and do treat that person nicely.  It's hard to get things clear for the second attempt.

It bothers me a lot actually.  Everyone wants to be loved not to be forgotten.  I guess I should stop pretending to be the one who needs everything, although I'm not.  Probably I must get this into my mind, we are all growing up and we have our own separate life.  Do contact me whenever you are ready or sober enough to see the differences now.

I'm quit.

back To Basic

I guess, I'm returning back to basic lately.  Busy with my tons of responsibilities.  Go to bed quite late and sometimes, not consistent.  Well, I've been in this situation before but I stop 'practicing' it few years ago..hehe.  And I'm not used to this kind of lifestyle, so far, after few months of hibernation.  Anyway, life never been that simple all the time but I thank God for great accompany I have here..:)

Although I am pretty stress about all the works that have to be done before the deadline, but I have to persevere in order for me to upgrade myself to be a better person.  21 is not a joke! Yup, I'll be 21 in next few months and trust me, the time will fly super duper fast.  There will be a moment in the future that I'll realize that,'eh tomorrow is my birthday la...'..hahaha..Sweet 21!

I do miss my friends from a secondary school and A-Level batch.  But sometimes I wonder whether they feel the same way too.  No news, no story, no update came straight to me....  Or at least no HI on my Facebook wall.  I always be the initiator and sometimes I wish to be the receiver.  Honestly, I don't always feel comfortable to be the one that initiates something.  Yaa, probably all the people were so busy, but that would make no difference at all. I AM ALSO A STUDENT.

This sounds so condemning... but yeah, no offense..

My life would be super duper busy after this.  Final is just around the corner and the syllabus is not even completed yet.  Carnivals are hunting us & it's not easy to be one of the higher exco, meeting almost every night.  I think I'll have to be still!..have to!..haha

Alright, I think my life would be so dull without the existence of my classmates, or supposedly friends..haha..XD
Being the elder is a fun though, they obey my commands..haha..I respect their perspectives too..:)
And yeah.... Congratulations Danial!!!!! Band 4 MUET, that's awesome!!

Will try to update more..:)

-Blessings-

Ehmm..that would be interesting..